unexpected

Sunshine streamed through the branches of the trees and shone across his face. He lay in the grass beside her, arms propping his neck, staring up at the skies, taking in the scents and sounds of families barbecuing in the park nearby. His brows were drawn together in concentration causing furrows between them. Today sky and the grass made his eyes seem more green than brown. He paused from his thoughts and turned to look at her grinning his crooked boyish grin.

She cast a sidelong glance at him. He’s beautiful, she thought, absolutely beautiful. She turned away smiling, shyly, fearfully. She was afraid that this feeling wouldn’t last. He’d realize he had made a mistake, realize that she didn’t feel special, that she wasn’t special, and her insecurities would drive him away. And he’d leave.

He. Spontaneous. Bold. Thoughtful. Beautiful.

And he had the delicious accent. There were times when got lost in the melody of his voice. What was that you said?

But she was ordinary. Quite little asian girls are a dime a dozen, she thought.

She didn’t have spirit; men like women with spirit. She wasn’t aggressive. Her strength was in her patience, in her subtlety, in her consideration. She knew that, but would he see it? He would. He was perceptive, more so than anyone she’d met. But would he know it.

She sighed a deep sigh. He took it for one of content.

She was worried. She knew that in the end it was useless. They'd fight. She'd run. And his pride would keep him from her. And it would end.

But there's always the lesson... He'd learn to love and she'd learn to be brave.

July 5, 2005 - writing still in progress

She was up before dawn.  Another day really, just earlier than usual. Cooler than usual. She was agitated, as usual. She felt unprepared. Unconfident. She always did until she was in the middle of doing anything. Today was no different. She wasn't prepared for this conversation.

"But," she said, "it never wast just you and me against the world. I wish it had been that way."   It might have been better that way, she thought.  Without all my indecision. Without all the interference and intrusions.  Without so many things between us, it couldn've been so many things.

She said this to the thin, pale wallpapered stripes staring back at her. She said many things to her wall. But nothing that really mattered to the wall. It just stared mutely back at her everyday. The paper looked a little different in the early morning light.  She noticed the claw marks were still there from when she had had her one of her fits.  Hadn't noticed that in a while.  Hadn't had one of those in a while.

When was that?  She couldn't quite remember.  It could've been any number of times. So many times... Vague memories of sixty-mile-per-hour grass and pavement seen through panicked eyes. Wind against the face. Is this what it is to fly? Is this what life is like just before you die? She heard that in a song somewhere. It was about an insane girl just before she killed herself.  So it goes.

She shook her head to clear her thoughts.  She grunted as she rolled over, squinted at the digital alarm clock and flung out her left arm, her hand fumbling around on the window sill to find her glasses. It looked like it 6:30, but she couldn't be sure. Ugh. 6:03. Too early.

It's always too early. Sometimes too late. Never on time. It's never any different.

She squinted around the room.  The guitar sat backdropped by the black wool coat that she meant to put away for months.  Now it was almost fall and there was no reason to put it away.  Without her glasses, it look like a small man squatting in corner waiting to pounce, on the verge of attacking.

You're only as old as the woman you feel

time is indifferent to the desires of man

i remember the 5 year plan i had made when i reached my quarter life crisis.  nothing has been checked off my to-do list. and in some ways i don't mind. there have been more important accomplishments that have marked the years since then.

at times, i still glance back. i remember the people and place that i once held so dear... still hold so dear. but there are new people and new lessons, new places and new memories, new joys and new heartaches.

i still feel so vulnerable. but oddly, that has always been the source of my strength. it always keeps me grounded. i'm reminded of what's important.

i know who i am. i will never deny who i am again.

Smiles

i'm one that usually believes in finding your own happiness. someone else cannot do that for you. but i'll make an exception.
he makes me happy. :D there's little else to say.